"GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY!"
If I were put on trial, these are the words that would be unanimously chanted to my face by the panel of jurors while they point their judgmental little fingers at me.
And if this verdict were delivered to me five years ago, they'd better be ready for a sh*tload of profanities, not to mention a flying courtroom chair or two, hurled at them as I fought for my defense.
However, today, things are quite different. Today, I don't only regretfully admit my wrongdoings, but I'm also deeply engaged in reparation work as I continue to mend broken relationships and broken hearts – hearts belonging to the people who have loved me the most.
Why do we hurt the ones we love - The punching bag phenomenon
So why do we hurt the ones we love? The ones we hold dearest? Why do we treat them as our punching bags, constantly unleashing our frustration and anger upon them?
The first answer that comes to mind (as someone who works extensively on the shadow) is this:
They remind us of the parts of ourselves that we are ashamed of.
That's right. It's not them; it's us. We don't hate them, but we hate the aspects of ourselves that they've seen, that they know, and that they may have borne the brunt of. The same aspects of ourselves that we have worked so hard (consciously or unconsciously) to hide, to deny and to banish.
I'll explain.
We are all wounded in some ways or another, and some more than others. These wounds can manifest in many ways and take many forms, most of which are unrecognized and often unconscious.
For many of us, these wounds result in the constant feeling of not being good enough, leading us to seek validation and meaning externally to fill our inner empty cup. For others, these wounds may manifest as a perpetual state of dissatisfaction, frustration, and even rage towards everything and everyone around them, when deep down, they are actually disappointed, frustrated, and angry at themselves.
So what we've got here is the shadow. And what is the shadow if not something that projects its own shortcomings and insecurities upon others?
And need we guess who could the best candidate for us to project our shadows onto?
None other than the people closest to us.
Sadly, it's within these intimate relationships – with our partners, our children, family members, and closest friends – that the shadow finds its most receptive canvas. These are the individuals who know us on a profound level; they've seen all the ups and downs. And in the times of vulnerability, we had let slip our deepest fears and insecurities for them to witness, only to regret it later.
The prideful ego within us would not have this. The parts of ourselves that are undesirable and shameful must not be seen by others. Therefore, deep down, we bear a grudge against them.
In those moments when our shadow-self seeks to preserve its facade of perfection, we inadvertently project our internal conflicts onto our loved ones. The very people who have been there for us, showing empathy and compassion, end up becoming targets of our unresolved emotional battles.
As we resent their ability to see us in our most vulnerable states, we find ourselves reacting with anger, blame, or criticism towards them. In doing so, we distance ourselves from the very support system that could aid us in our journey of self-discovery and healing.
The perpetual cycle of abuse and harm
We often talk of abuse as if it's something totally unimaginable and so foreign. We may believe that it only exists in extreme cases, far from our own realities. Why shouldn't we see it this way? After all, we don't cause physical harm; we don't push down a cigarette butt onto anyone's skin, don't hit or throw objects at anyone.
No, our abuse is of a different form, but abuse nonetheless. We hurl harsh words, give the silent treatment, act passive-aggressively, patronize, and condescend. This is the kind of abuse that can be sown in seemingly ordinary actions and reactions.
What we fail to realize is that the impact of our abusive behavior on our loved ones is profound and lasting. These actions have consequences, and the emotional wounds we inflict can change the very fabric of a relationship.
Our partners, children, family members, or friends may grow distant as a means of self-preservation. They might become emotionally numb, seeking to protect themselves from further hurt. Children and partners may become submissive and intimidated. Most take the abuse, suffering in silence as they do, for their unconditional love towards us. But in some heartbreaking cases, they may fall out of love altogether, unable to bear the weight of our projections and unresolved issues.
This cycle becomes a self-perpetuating trap. As our loved ones withdraw and respond with silence, we become even more irritated, fueling the very behaviors that distance us further. The disconnection deepens, and a once-loving relationship spirals into a painful and unhealthy dynamic.
And yet, all we can see is how they've stopped caring, stopped communicating. The blame game begins; they are the villains, we, the victims. In the case of a partnership, we may cease to see the point in continuing a meaningless relationship or marriage. We start believing we deserve better and become ready to venture out in search of the right person, the ideal partner.
The bad news is this...
Like clanking "just married" tin cans dragged behind the car of a newly married couple, we drag the fragmented parts of ourselves, our shadows, around just like these noisy tin cans with us wherever we go.
As long as these fragmented parts of ourselves remain unhealed and unacknowledged, they continue to wreak havoc in our lives like noisy clanking 'just married' tin cans trailing behind us. These unresolved shadows become the unseen force that influences our thoughts, actions, and interactions. They contribute to the destructive patterns that hinder our personal growth and sabotage our relationships.
To break free from this cycle of turmoil, we must embark on a journey of self-discovery and healing. Embracing our shadows with compassion and understanding allows us to integrate these fragmented parts into a more cohesive whole.
By shining a light on the hidden corners of our psyche, we gain insight into our deepest wounds and insecurities. This newfound awareness empowers us to make conscious choices and respond to challenges with empathy rather than react with destructive behavior.
In the process of integration, we find that the clanking noise of unresolved shadows begins to subside. As we reconcile our past and cultivate a sense of wholeness within ourselves, the external chaos that once surrounded us begins to dissipate. We become the masters of our emotions and actions, no longer controlled by the echoes of unhealed wounds.
The journey of integration is not an easy one, but it is a necessary step towards breaking free from the cycle of havoc. As we reclaim our fragmented parts and bring them into the light of consciousness, we move towards a life defined by authenticity, compassion, and the power to create meaningful change.
Thank you for reading. God bless <3
*Please note that this article provides a specific perspective on the topic of hurting those closest to us, focusing on aspects related to shadow work and personal growth. The issue is complex and influenced by various psychological, emotional, social, and cultural factors. Understanding human behavior requires ongoing exploration and open-mindedness to diverse viewpoints. This article is intended to inspire thought and discussion rather than provide an exhaustive analysis of the subject.*