In the intricate journey of life, it's not uncommon to find ourselves resisting the very things, circumstances, and people that are essential for our growth and wellbeing. Yet, perhaps even more perplexing is our tendency to actively sabotage these essential elements of goodness
From derailing our diet and exercise regimens to undermining our efforts at maintaining sobriety, we seem to possess a knack for thwarting our own progress. Similarly, when we finally encounter a fulfilling relationship, we may inexplicably find ways to disrupt its harmony—whether through hurtful actions, subtle undermining, or even infidelity. Moreover, this pattern extends beyond personal habits and relationships; we may sabotage our professional aspirations by neglecting to follow through on important opportunities, such as final interviews or exams.
All these actions have one thing in common: Whenever things seem to be going well and possible success is within grasp, instead of persevering with the efforts we have put in thus far, we turn the other way and ruin the prospect of ever achieving what was ahead.
This is a phenomenon rooted in our psyche, influenced by a various factors ranging from childhood experiences to social norms. In this article, I aim to delve into the underlying reasons why we sabotage the good things that come into our lives, with a particular focus on the lasting impact of our childhood experiences which result in complex trauma.
(Complex trauma describes both children's exposure to multiple traumatic events—often of an invasive, interpersonal nature—and the wide-ranging, long-term effects of this exposure. These events are severe and pervasive, such as abuse or profound neglect. - from National Child Traumatic Stress Network)
Understanding Complex Trauma's Role in Self-Sabotage
1. Shame:
The belief of not being worthy often originates from deep-seated shame, a topic I have previously explored in my blog posts. Individuals raised in dysfunctional homes frequently carry this burden, fostering a pervasive sense of unworthiness. Factors such as parental divorce, feelings of abandonment, or a lack of validation during childhood contribute to this belief. As adults, this internalized sense of inadequacy may lead to self-sabotage, hindering our ability to embrace positivity and achieve success.
It's not uncommon for individuals harboring this belief to unconsciously sabotage their own progress and achievements, convinced of their own unworthiness or incapability. This unconscious internal dialogue may manifest as a reluctance to complete tasks or goals. Thoughts such as 'I must not finish or accomplish this task or goal; after all, I am incapable of accomplishments' can arise.
2. Hopelessness:
A child who grew up in a dysfunctional home often has had their hopes crushed repeatedly by those they looked up to for love and affection. A father who promised to play at the park again and again, a mother who was too overwhelmed with chores to fully engage emotionally, for instance, can result in the child eventually losing hope.
For these individuals, a profound feeling of hopelessness clouds their perception of good fortune. They anticipate the inevitable downfall, convinced that the other shoe will eventually drop, leaving them back in the depths of despair. To them, hope is perilous—it signifies impending hurt. So, before that happens, they unconsciously take matters into their hands and sabotage whatever seems to raise their hopes.
3. Comfort in Chaos:
In dysfunctional households where chaos reigns supreme, individuals become accustomed to living in a perpetual state of fear and heightened alertness. This environment, albeit distressing, paradoxically becomes familiar and even comforting for them. The constant drama and turmoil make peace and calmness appear foreign and unappealing by comparison. Many of us have encountered individuals who appear to thrive on drama when life becomes too tranquil.
In relationships, these individuals often cycle through phases of tranquility and affection, only to escalate into conflicts marked by snide remarks and fiery interactions with their partners. These conflicts may erupt into all-out war, only to eventually revert to a honeymoon phase.
4. Love and Pain:
In dysfunctional families, children often crave love and affection from their parents or caretakers. However, in these environments, love is scarce, overshadowed by pain and turmoil. This ingrained cycle of hurt leads them to associate love with pain, making it challenging to feel secure in healthy and loving relationships. Consequently, they may unknowingly sabotage such relationships due to their familiarity with the cycle of love and pain. Despite their conscious desire for love and security, these individuals may find themselves drawn to partners who replicate the dynamics of their dysfunctional upbringing, perpetuating a cycle of abuse and pain.
5. Fear of the Unknown:
Individuals with complex trauma often grew up or have experienced living in a perpetual state of danger and threat. From living with an abusive mother to a violent neighborhood; growing up with a drunk father to getting bullied in school, a child has learned to constantly live in a state of hypervigilance - expecting danger at every corner,
As adults, experiencing a moment of peace can feel like stepping into the realm of the unknown for many. This can occur, for example, when working under an understanding and empathetic boss or finally being in a loving relationship, can feel like stepping into the realm of the unknown, which can be terrifying for many. For individuals who have grown accustomed to living in a constant state of danger and threat, peace represents unfamiliar territory. The lack of control over outcomes and situations breeds fear, and for those who have experienced complex trauma, fear often leads them to subconsciously sabotage their own happiness as a means of maintaining a sense of control.
6. Suppressed Anger:
Adults who endure complex trauma often harbor unresolved emotions from their childhood, which were stifled and unexpressed. As helpless children, they learned that expressing needs or emotions like anger, sadness, or frustration would only lead to harsh punishments and ridicule.
These suppressed emotions, especially anger, can manifest in destructive ways. Unaddressed feelings of sadness, frustration, and disappointment may resurface, often channeled into anger. This anger then fuels self-sabotaging behaviors, serving as a misguided outlet for these pent-up emotions.
7. Trust Issues:
Building intimate relationships requires vulnerability and trust, which can be daunting for those with deeply rooted trust issues. Individuals who have experienced betrayal or abandonment in the past may struggle to open up and let others in, fearing that history will repeat itself. This fear of vulnerability and potential hurt leads to self-sabotage as a means of self-protection. They may push others away or create barriers to intimacy, inadvertently sabotaging their chances of forming meaningful connections. Despite their desire for love and companionship, the fear of being hurt again outweighs the potential rewards of trusting others, perpetuating a cycle of loneliness and isolation.
8. Guilt:
Parents or authority figures may inadvertently instill feelings of guilt as a form of discipline, using phrases like "You should be ashamed of yourself" or "You're always causing trouble." Constant exposure to such messages can deeply internalize the belief that they are inherently flawed or unworthy of happiness. This persistent sense of guilt leads individuals to believe that they don't deserve success or abundance, subconsciously sabotaging opportunities for growth and fulfillment as a form of self-punishment. Despite their conscious desires for happiness and prosperity, the ingrained belief that they are fundamentally flawed prevents them from fully embracing and accepting the good things that come their way.
9. Fear of Success:
While success is often seen as a desirable outcome, it can also be accompanied by fear and apprehension. The prospect of achieving one's goals and aspirations may come with the fear of the unknown, including the responsibilities and expectations that accompany success. Individuals may worry about whether they can handle the newfound attention, pressure, or changes in their lives.
This fear of the unknown can lead to self-sabotage as individuals shy away from pushing themselves beyond their comfort zones. Preferring the familiarity of their current circumstances, they may subconsciously undermine their own progress, choosing to remain in a state of stagnation rather than embracing the challenges and opportunities that come with success. Despite their aspirations, the fear of failure or inadequacy prevents them from fully pursuing their dreams, perpetuating a cycle of missed opportunities and unfulfilled potential.
Having the self-awareness to recognize the pattern of self-sabotage and understanding these underlying reasons can be the first step towards breaking free from self-destructive behaviors. By acknowledging and addressing these deep-seated beliefs and emotions, individuals can begin to dismantle the barriers they've erected against their own happiness and success. With this newfound awareness, they can challenge negative thought patterns and replace them with more empowering beliefs.
By adopting a mindset of self-compassion and acceptance, they can gradually let go of the guilt, fear, and shame that have held them back, allowing positivity and abundance to flow freely into their lives. With each step forward, they move closer to embracing the good things life has to offer, creating a more fulfilling and rewarding existence for themselves and those around them.